Twas’ the day before meeting
I’m listing their dwelling
They’ve lived there for decades
And now they are selling.
The seller’s ready to sign
The price has been set
We decided 150 was as much as they’d get.
I’m at the house, promptly at four
My paperwork’s ready, I knock on the door
The dog, barking and slobbery, jumps on my new coat
As I watch his teeth aim for my throat.
Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I turned around slowly to see what was the matter
There’s the sellers’ brother, father and HIS father too,
Grampa Elroy, who did real estate back in 1922.
Dad built this house with his bare hands for his son
Mom wallpapered and wallpapered and still isn’t done
“The price is too low “they all said with a shout!
I gathered my comps, I had sales to point out
Look, this one has 4 bedrooms, a fireplace and granite
Your house has 2 bedrooms and the floors they are laminate.
Your kitchen is nice for those that like plastic
Right there is when Grampa became kinda spastic!
“They don’t make houses like these anymore!!!” he exploded!
And then the whole group, one by one just unloaded!
“This house it’s much better than ones in your report,
The location is great, across from the airport!!”
“Sure, the windows are old but they’re solid and strong
If you prop them up with a stick, they stay open all day long!”
“We didn’t need closets, we used drawers in a dresser!”
My stomach is sick I can’t stand the pressure.
“The price should be higher, 250 is good,
And New Yorkers will come, they love the neighborhood
They have the money, and we know THEY will pay!!!
We can always come down later if not, any way.”
So, on sellers, on father, on mother, on brother
Grampa Elroy, and cousins and your friend the plumber
Why don’t you talk and give me a call?
But for now, Dash away dash away dash away ALL!
– Lynn Arseneau, Berkshire REALTOR
And remember last year’s popular poem…
Twas’ the Night Before Closing…
I’m a counselor, a teacher,
sometimes I’m a pastor
With TRID in effect, I can’t close any faster.
Made it through the inspection,
I thought I’d go crazy,
4 over-fused circuits
And a window that’s hazy.
The sewer line is bad,
The roof’s got 3 layers of shingles
Santa can’t land on top of it
With his jangles and jingles.
There’s a crack in basement
The furnace is dirty
And the radon results –
Can you believe, it was 30!?
This inspector is good
Explains with much clarity
It’s a Federal Pacific panel
And we have reverse polarity.
You’re going to need gutters
The chimney needs to be pointed
The plumbing pipes seem
To be all disjointed.
Now appliances, they stay every now and again,
But the stove must pass the test.
It must be bolted to the wall,
If, on the open door, a large turkey or child will rest!
Well, out on the lawn there arose such a clatter!
I ran to the window to see what was the matter!
And there outside he had a back hoe and a pump
Digging the septic was a cute plump little chump!
He had a broad face, and his donut, t’was jelly
A coffee with cream and some gloves that were smelly.
Long story short, the septic did fail
Oh gosh, what the heck will this mess entail?
Then, there’s the appraiser
The bank can’t find one here
It’s been over 6 weeks
And he’s from Delaware.
Oh, let us not forget the good ol’ Purchase and Sale
I sent it off for attorney review
He re-wrote it all then returned it to me
WHERE’s the VALIUM? Give me a few!
On co-broke, on lawyer, inspector and plumber; go banker, appraiser, this deal is a bummer,
On buyer, on seller and all of their parents
My head is all screwed up, I’m so incoherent!
A flood zone, asbestos, lead paint and now farming
The number of things is just so alarming!
AH…but the closing’s tomorrow
I’ve made it though
I’ll finally get thanked
For all I do!
So Santa will be there
At the new house on his sleigh
The kids will leave cocoa and cookies and hay.
I’ll cash my check and I’ll figure my pay,
It’s somewhere around 12 cents a day.
– Lynn Arseneau, Berkshire REALTOR