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Twas the Night Before Listing, Twas the Night Before Closing

Please enjoy this REALTOR poem series in holiday spirit “Twas the Day Before Listing” and the original, “Twas the Night before Closing” … Thanks to author extraordinaire Lynn Arseneau of Signature Associates for capturing the days in the life of a Berkshire REALTOR

‘Twas the Day before Listing

‘Twas the day before meeting,
I’m listing their dwelling.
They’ve lived there for decades
And now they are selling.
The sellers are ready to sign
And the price has been set
We decided 150 was as much as they’d get.

I’m at the house, promptly at four
My paperwork’s ready, I knock on the door
The dog, barking and slobbery, jumps on my new coat
As I watch his teeth aim for my throat.

Then, out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I turned around slowly to see what was the matter
There’s the sellers’ brother, father and HIS father too,
Grampa Elroy, who did real estate back in 1922.

Dad built this house with his bare hands for his son
Mom wallpapered and wallpapered and still isn’t done
“The price is too low “ they all said with a shout!
I gathered my comps, I had sales to point out

Look, this one has 4 bedrooms, a fireplace and granite
Your house has 2 bedrooms and the floors they are laminate.
Your kitchen is nice for those that like plastic
Right there is when Grampa became kinda spastic!

“They don’t make houses like these anymore!!!” he exploded!
And then the whole group, one by one just unloaded!
“This house it’s much better than ones in your report,
The location is great, just across from the airport!!”

“Sure, the windows are old but they’re solid and strong
If you prop them up with a stick, they stay open all day long!”
“We didn’t need closets, we used drawers in a dresser!”
My stomach is sick, I can’t stand the pressure.

“The price should be higher, 250 is good,
and New Yorkers will come, they’ll love the neighborhood!
They have the money, and we know THEY will pay!!!
We can always come down later if not, any way.”

So, on sellers, on father, on mother, on brother
Grampa Elroy, and cousins and your friend the plumber
Why don’t you talk and give me a call?
But for now, dash away dash away dash away ALL!

– Lynn Arseneau, Berkshire REALTOR

‘Twas the Night Before Closing…

‘Twas the day before closing
and all through the night
I think “I sure hope the walk-through
turns out all right”.

I’m a counselor, a teacher,
sometimes I’m a pastor
With closing disclosures, I can’t close any faster.

Made it through the inspection,
I thought I’d go crazy,
4 over-fused circuits
And a window that’s hazy.

The sewer line is bad,
The roof’s got 3 layers of shingles
Santa can’t land on top of it
With his jangles and jingles.

There’s a crack in basement
The furnace is dirty
And the radon results –
Can you believe, it was 30!?

This inspector is good
Explains with much clarity
It’s a Federal Pacific panel
And we have reverse polarity.

You’re going to need gutters
The chimney needs to be pointed
The plumbing pipes seem
To be all disjointed.

Now the appliances aren’t always the best,
and the stove must pass a special test.
Did you know it must be bolted to the wall,
If, on the open door, a large turkey or child could fall?!

Well, out on the lawn there arose such a clatter!
I ran to the window to see what was the matter!
And there outside he had a back hoe and a pump
Digging the septic was a cute plump little chump!

He had a broad face, and his donut, ’twas jelly
A coffee with cream and some gloves that were smelly.
Long story short, the septic did fail
Oh gosh, what the heck will this mess entail?

Then, there’s the appraiser
The bank can’t find one here
It’s been over 6 weeks
And he’s come from Delaware.

Oh, let us not forget the good ol’ Purchase and Sale
sent off right quick for attorney review.
He scribbled and scratched and re-wrote it all
WHERE’s the VALIUM?  Give me a few!

On co-broke, on lawyer, inspector and plumber; go banker, appraiser, this deal is a bummer,
On buyer, on seller and all of their parents
My head is screwed up, I’m so incoherent!
A flood zone, asbestos, lead paint and now farming
The number of things is just so alarming!

AH…but the closing’s tomorrow
I’ve made it though
I’ll finally get thanked
For all the work that I do!

So Santa will be there
At the new house on his sleigh
The kids will leave cocoa and cookies and hay.
I’ll cash my check and I’ll figure my pay…
It’s somewhere around $0.12 cents a day.

– Lynn Arseneau, Berkshire REALTOR